Being in constant communication with the wife about every little thing is tough. Something that may seem minutiae or meaningless to me maybe be a big deal to her. Or at least be symbolic of representing something bigger.
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned (am learning), as my marriage goes along, is to always take the little bit of extra time to tell your wife what you’re doing. If there is even a shred of doubt in your mind as to if you should tell your wife about something, go ahead and just tell her. I know it may feel a little bit emasculating at times, but there is no downside to doing this. Even if she disagrees with what you’re doing, or gives you a little bit of voicetress or silent attitude about it, at the end of the day she respects the process and knows there are no secrets. Think long road/ term.
I gave a pretty good example of this in a previous post titled Translation.
If I have an appointment in the city that’s gonna take an hour, then on a whim I decide to hit up the Inn-N-Out burger, and then maybe stop at the store to grab a few things I need or am in the mood to get the kids a toy…there has never been anything wrong with doing that. Where I go wrong is doing this without letting my wife know.
With little kids in the house, and a ton of other variables in play, the only thing my wife is aware of is that I have an appointment that’s going to take an hour. She’s counting on me being home shortly after that and helping out with whatever, whenever. Also it’s just the general peace of mind of knowing where your husband is, him being where he says he’s going to be, being home when he says he’s going to be home, and letting her know if it ends up otherwise BEFORE getting home. It’s more of a simple respect issue.
I had what should have been a little fight turn massive over this exact situation. The thought ran through my mind when I was in the drive-thru shortly after my appointment, ‘maybe I should call the wife and tell her I’m gonna grab a burger and some stuff and be a little late.’ That thought was immediately followed by ‘I don’t have to ask my wife about every little thing, I’m a man…’etc etc etc into more nonsense. When I ultimately decided on the latter, and spent hours upon hours arguing and fighting with my wife, I didn’t realize two things.
1) It’s got nothing to do with me being a man. A real man has the confidence to know that his wife deserves the respect of knowing what he’s up to when it directly affects her and the family. It’s not like I need to call her before every shot I take while I’m on the golf course and tell her what club I’m going to hit. But I do need to call her and let her know if I’m going to be home late. It’s a partnership. I always need to remind myself that. Out loud to myself works the best.
2) It’s not about asking. Like I said before, she might disagree with what you’re doing or be annoyed, but at the end of the day she was aware of what you were up to and if you don’t make this a habit it won’t be a big deal. Not saying to decide on buying a sports car with all your collective savings, call to let her know, and show up with it. There are obvious things that married couples need to discuss and decide together. But anything small, just call her up and mention it. As long as everything adds up, honesty-wise, when you get home, it’s by far the best method.
Better than a major blow-up fight or a future of mistrust and dishonesty. It just takes work.