—You haven’t had a job for a year and have gained 40 lbs in that time.
—Your teenage kids have no idea who John Candy is.
—You text someone something heartfelt and they don’t respond.
—You text someone anything at all and they say ‘who is this?’
—Miquel Sano is the first baseman on your favorite baseball team.
—Willie Bloomquist is no longer in the league.
—You just spent $400 on groceries and the next day it feels like there’s nothing to eat.
—Gene Hackman is somehow 91 years old and hasn’t been in a movie in 16 years.
—Your single buddy constantly texts to ask if you can meet up to play golf in an hour and you have to keep reminding him you need at least 24 hours notice for something like that these days.
—You tell your kid not to do something and he laughs in your face and does it anyway.
—People truly believe Lebron James is the best basketball player of all-time.
—Your nickname amongst your poker friends is “River.”
—Stephen A. Smith is on your TV set.
—When teenagers think of the Karate Kid they think of Jaden Smith.
—Your therapist tells you he/she can’t handle you anymore, retires, quits, or moves, and you have to start all over
—You’re down 5 late in the 4th quarter depending on Kirk Cousins to come thru.
—Your favorite baseball team has lost 18 post season games in a row.
—You’re talking about something you’re passionate about, you look up and your wife’s head is buried in her phone.
—It’s 2 A.M. and the only thing still open is the Taco Bell drive thru.
—Somebody tells you your team would have won by a point if they had only hit that field goal they missed in the 1st quarter.
—You’re sore from playing with your kids at the playground.
—You’re hanging out with two or more guys and they start talking about their trucks.
—You’re hanging out with two or more guys and they start talking about their guns.
—You don’t keep in touch with as many friends as you used to.
—The last time you played golf was in August, and you live in a warm weather state.
—Your mother-in-law lives with you.
—You completely disagree with what somebody is saying, and you can tell they’re just getting started.
—You forget you’re wearing the shirt, and a stranger at the grocery store stops you to say they’re also a Vikings fan.
—Your teenage kids laugh at you for still having a wallet and you have no idea why.
—You try to give your teenage kids cash and they hand it back and say ‘just put it on my card.’
—You have absolutely no idea what your wife does for a living.
—Your 70-year-old father can still do virtually everything in the world better than you.
—You randomly check the standings in the NBA and find out the Jazz and Suns are currently the number 1 and 2 seeds in the West, when everyone knows they have no chance to make it to the finals.
—You sometimes take extra time to yourself in the bathroom and shower to avoid your kids.
—You’re almost 39 years old and still not mature enough for social media.
—You see Jeff Gladney is actually worse off the field than he is on it.
—People in your neighborhood get together in the front yard and assume everyone else must be watching the kids, meanwhile the little ones fly around on and off the street. Then ten minutes later you hear one of the mom’s screaming “SHARE! IT’S NOT THAT DAMN HARD!”
—Your card gets declined. It doesn’t matter what you do or say after that, everyone assumes your broke.
—Your kid comes up to you and says ‘mom told me to ask you…’
—You’ve watched six full baseball games so far and not one player has even attempted to steal a base.
—You’ve got a million shirts but none of them are good enough for picture day.
—Handing out water to people is illegal anywhere, for any reason.
—We actually have to hold a trial for a murder that everybody saw happen.
bradleydamants18April 7, 2021
Fucking brilliant. Nothing more to say.