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The Hair Up There

The Hair Up There

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My hair has a story.

Put into a movie It’s one that starts out promising, rolls along okay in the beginning, has some big moments in the middle, (the windblown look, the senior picture, the floppy soccer phase, the part down the middle) but the storyline peaks too early, and even though the viewer knows it’s over, the ending carries on for hours and hours with no added substance. You know how it’s gonna end because it basically already has, but the director drags it out slowly and painfully, as you wait and wait and wait for the final credits to appear on screen.

In my case, it’s a slow, patchy, receding, spotty, drawn out ending. More painful every time I look in the mirror.

I hate it so much.

One of the worst things about it is getting a haircut. In the past when I’ve gone to a barber I’ve been told a lot of different things. I always go in there and tell them to just shave it off because it’s balding and looks stupid.

“Aww, it’s too bad it’s like that on top because you have some great curls on the sides.” (Been said to me more than once.)

“You’re probably just loosing your hair because of stress. Once the stress goes away it’ll all grow back I’m sure.” (Yeah, I’m sure that’s it. By the way how the hell do they know how much stress is in my life?)

“I wouldn’t worry about it too much, it’s pretty common for men over 40 to start loosing their hair…” (Said to me when I was in my early 30s.)

I’m sure there are a few other comments I left out that I can’t remember over the years.

If only the top of my head took a cue from the side of it. Or from my eyebrows, nose, inner and outer ears, neck, chest, or back. I have no problem keeping the growth consistent in those areas.

Notice I didn’t mention my beard. It’s not as bad as my head, but it’s ridiculous too. They’ll be holes in some spots and sprout-ups in others. I’ve had good friends give me shit and ask me stuff like ‘Who does your lines?’ when I try to shave my neck hair to make my beard look even. On the off chance I do happen to nail a shave job it only lasts for a day and a half. And it doesn’t help that I hate shaving. I’m content to leave it for weeks, sometimes months at a time because it’s so annoying. That’s why I’ve always said if I ever come into any real money I’d hire someone just to shave my face.

And the same thing goes for my head. I’ve tried to shave it multiple times, but it takes so long and I make such a mess doing it. I have no idea how some guys have mastered it. And again, even if I do it perfectly, it’ll only be a couple of days before my standard horseshoe pattern pops back up. I’m fooling nobody. At this point I don’t care if I’m convincing people I’m not bald by shaving, I just don’t want to walk around embarrassed anymore. I’d rather not put anyone through that.

There is absolutely no pattern up there. I’d settle for any sort of normal bald look at this point. Anything but patchy.

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I need some sort of pill that would affect my hair like chemotherapy. They need to make a product for frustrated bald people that just want to stay bald without shaving. The opposite of Rogaine please.

I’ll gladly prescribe.

***The above image is actually of Ray Allen growing his hair out. Hilarious.***

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