Everyone who has kids knows they can be used as an excuse to get out of going somewhere or meeting with anyone at anytime. So it got me to thinking about the best excuses to use for getting time off work.
Explosive Diarrhea: Pretty sure I got this from a Seinfeld episode from my childhood, but if you have courage enough to call your boss and tell him/her you can’t make it to work because you have explosive diarrhea, they won’t think you’re making it up. Texting, that’s a different story. Anyone can text anything at anytime. It’s gutless and they may think you’re not being truthful. But calling your boss in person, and claiming explosive diarrhea, is genius. Definitely an excuse they won’t question.
It’s Personal: If you have a good relationship with your boss, this is something you can both text and call in with. It might require a ‘Yeah, I just don’t want, or don’t think, it’s the right time to talk about it right now,’ to a follow up question. But otherwise it’s foolproof. Most bosses can’t or won’t ask you specifics in a big company. And a boss in a small business, whom you’ve proven your hard work ethic, will likely say ‘oh…no problem…take all the time you need…if there’s anything I can do…’etc. A classic. Foolproof because potentially asking about it leaves the burden of feeling like an asshole on them.
I’m Hungover: The only way this works is if you don’t drink very often and your boss knows that. Or your boss has no idea you drink. Or it’s a very rare occasion. You call up, probably around 3 or 4am, leave a message. Ramble on and on in the message, repeat a couple things from time to time, and don’t be afraid to leave some unexplained gaps of silence in there. End the call by saying a variation of two things…’Hey boss I’m really sorry I’m hung over. I met my brother-in-law for the first time last night, he came into town and got me drunk, or something, I don’t know, never felt this bad before’…keep rambling until the voicemail cuts you off. If he calls you back in the morning don’t answer the first two calls, then answer the third, speaking groggy and incoherent. The boss might be mad, but he’s got all day to work off his frustration. Get there early tomorrow. Announce you’re never doing that again. You’re good.
Brutally Honest: You don’t really need the day off. But you want it. So tell your boss, “I’m just gonna be honest, I’m not gonna lie, I need a day off…” Say you’re exhausted, you have a lot going on, and you just need one day off to refresh. The honesty will be appreciated if this is only used once and doesn’t become a common occurrence. Show back up the next day with a renewed sense of urgency.
I Might Have To Miss Next Friday, It’s Not For Sure Yet But..: This is only if you know you’re gonna need a day off, for some bullshit reason, a few days down the line. Maybe you wanna play golf with some old friends, are going to a bachelor party, or just in the mood for a three day weekend. All good. Regardless, get it out early that your mother-in-law may need a ride to her doctor’s appointment, or that an old friend might need a ride to or from the airport, you just don’t know specifics yet. In the next few days do a couple ‘above-and-beyond’ things for your boss or company. Then causally mention a day or two ahead of time that you now have specifics on when you’ll need that time off. Then make your appointment for a time like 11:30, right in the middle of the day, so it’ll be pointless to go to work for a half day and/or comeback after it’s over. Bingo-Bingo-Bongo.
I Need To Be Home When My New Household Appliance Gets Delivered: Make it a new refrigerator, a new washer/dryer, a new deep freezer, whatever. These purchases can cost thousands of dollars and are a big deal. Your boss will understand you needing to be there. Make the delivery time around 10am. That makes it pointless for you to go into work at 8 or 9am, keeps you at home until the delivery would get there, and gives you the option of saying they’re running late or behind schedule. Hence, your full day off.
No sicknesses, cancer discoveries, car accidents, or dead relatives. Don’t use any excuses that could put actual negative energy of an event out there. I believe if you kill your living grandmother in an excuse for a day off, you’re doomed into that event actually taking place. Don’t put any of that stuff out there. Not to mention, a lot of those would be easy to check on. Don’t overthink it. Don’t go too big. It’s just a day off from work you want. If you were in a car accident or someone in your family died, odds are you’d need more than just a day.
Enjoy your day off.