I used to go to therapy. Haven’t been back since covid started. If I were to go back here’s my top 10 questions or comments I’d have as I sit today.

10. It can’t be normal for newlyweds to live with their mother-in-law can it? It most definitely can’t be normal for a husband to live in the same house as his wife’s mother ever since they decided to move in together? Right? Bail me out here and tell me I’m not going crazy. It’s not a lot of fun. Am I wrong for selfishly wanting a little bit of credit for that? Like…Hey Jordan, did you realize all those papers you threw in the garbage yesterday were very important and I needed them? Oh, shoot. No. I didn’t know that. Honest mistake. But your mom lives with us so can we call it even?…You know what I mean? Can I use that every one once in awhile if I pick my spots? (The answer to that question is no. I’m currently 0-for-the-century on those attempts). 

9. Why is it that my wife can literally yell about every little thing that comes up all day long, but when I get a little frustrated at the slightest thing I get the ‘I don’t understand why you’re getting so frustrated…’ comment? I let her simmer every time, now let me every once in awhile. I don’t need to feel bad about having a voice around here.

8. Is Covid-19 envy a thing? I worked my ass off for over 5 years in Texas with the same company. I wasn’t rich but made a solid living wage, got promoted a couple times, and managed to take care of my wife and 4 kids with that steady income for 2 years. Just because my job was ‘out in the field’ and not feasible at all to be doing from home…and being in-and-out of grocery stores 6-10 times a day for 5 or 6 days a week didn’t seem responsible living with a mother-in-law who’s had health issues, not to mention the safety of my wife and kids…I had to quit. Now I walk around my nice suburban neighborhood with my kids and everyone I know or talk to is working from home and Covid hasn’t really affected them. Must. Be. Nice. I have a lot of fun hanging out with the kids and doing all sorts of things outside with them, but please tell me that it’s not abnormal to be jealous of those who get to actually work from home, and not feel a little inadequate about being a male with 4 kids to support and not bringing in a steady income. I know it’s a whole new world and everything, and I’m certainly not one of those guys who thinks the female needs to stay home, cook, clean, and otherwise mind her own business while I go out, hunt the food, and chop down the firewood. But there is a middle ground in there where I’d certainly like to contribute more than just handling the kids all day. And it’s frustrating when it seems like every other place I look at has that.

7. Can I just blame everything on Covid? I’ve been putting it off and putting it off…for the most part I’ve been doing pretty good…but can I blame Covid for everything? It feels like I should be able to. I’m so tired of having to grocery shop like there’s a wound-up time bomb up my ass set to go off if I don’t get outta there within a certain amount of minutes or get too close to another shopper. I’m tired of having an impulse to do the simplest thing (golf, bowl, go out to dinner, etc) and always have to stop and remember I can’t do it. I’m sick of my parents not being able to see their grandkids unless it’s on FaceTime. I hate that I have to worry and wonder about if your kid goes to school or not as he/she approaches my kid (spoiler alert, they always do). Anything that pisses me off that comes up in my life right now I’d love to just assign to Covid. Because even without ever having it, it sometimes feels like I’ve had a form of it all this whole time, considering all the energy, focus, and anger its been draining out of me. 

6. Why can’t I ever get away with a little snide comment? It’s sort of what I’m used to doing in my life. It’s awful hard to put a complete stop to it, ya know? Also I’m a funny guy. Why does nobody laugh at my jokes? 

5. Parades are stupid. I mean, aren’t they? Why do people enjoy parades so much? You just stand there watching while people drive down the street slowly in open-air cars and decorative floats. I don’t get it. Explain to me why parades exist. Every time I’ve been to one I was over it in ten seconds, that includes when I was a little kid. I’m just not a fan. I’m tired of seeing them on TV over the holidays too. Frankly, if you’re a person that enjoys watching a parade on television I think you might have a brain with psychopathic tendencies. I’m not kidding. I can come to terms with the fact that I might fundamentally disagree with someone about wanting to go to a parade in person, and write it off to being similar to having different tastes in movies or what sort of sports and entertainment we prefer. Maybe. But no way in hell I can respect someone who likes watching a parade on TV. If I ever reach the age where I’m doing that it’s clearly all over for me. I’m either too psychically weak to move off my chair and find the remote, or I have no more mental capacity to comprehend what I’m watching or where I am. Or both. In either case, you have my permission to pull the plug.

4. Do you have any nightmare medication? Nightmares are the stupidest thing in the world, and don’t mean anything at all. I know this. But can you please prescribe me something that will eliminate all nightmares? I’m tired of having 2 or 3 nightmares a week about something catastrophically bad happening to one of my kids. I can handle it, but I could certainly do without. I know it would help my wife out a ton as well. Thank you.

3. I love the Minnesota Vikings. I’m not ashamed of it. So why do I feel guilty for watching football on Sundays? True I plan the kids naps and lunches accordingly so I can watch as much of the game as uninterrupted as possible, and Travis enjoys watching with me, but if there are things to be done I take care of them during the game. I’ve been known to fold laundry, play with Harrison and Mara, or feed the kids while the game is on. I don’t put myself in a box for three hours. I literally have no other shows or appointment television during the week at any other time. So why do I feel guilty? Please make that feeling go away. Thank you.

2. This whole religion thing…What’s that all about? Any Thoughts? How are all these people so passionately secure that they are right in their beliefs? How do they know? 

1. When I say hello to somebody, from a distance obviously, and they don’t say hello back I immediately go into defense mode. It used to be if this happened I’d simple shake my head and wonder why I took the time to go out of my way to say hi and risk getting shunned like that for no reason. But because I’m always with my kids, now I go from 1 to 100 in two seconds. I put an eye on the person, wonder if they are racist or violent, and get very tensed up. I’ve had to tell Harrison that ‘some people just don’t hear so well’ several times after he’s yelled “Hello!” multiple times and gotten stone-cold silence. He likes to say hello to everyone outside. If the person has headphones on or gives a head nod I never worry about it. But when it’s very clear they hear him or me, and stay blank-faced, or give me that look like they very clearly want nothing to do with us, I perk up like I described earlier. I’m not here for that.