Is It Confidence?

My confidence is overflowing at the moment. The reasons are multiple. Not sure how long this feeling will last, so let’s ride the wave. Just got a nice set of steak knives in the mail as a thank you for five years with the company. Crazy to think that at 37 years old I have never reached five years with one company. Gone are the days of the older guy telling you he’s been working at the same place since he was 18.

Getting older has really made me look at myself from the outside in. Because of this, most of the days I walk around I don’t carry much confidence. I’m an over thinker who is very hard on himself. That being said, most of the things I’ve done in my life I feel deserve a harsh reaction. And the problem is I’m still doing some of them. The blessing of being a father makes me look at myself as far back as 6th grade, and as recent as a few months ago, and wonder just what the hell I was thinking.

I’m proud of the father I am. I never would have expected I’d have a knack for it. I’m proud that I’ve worked my ass off for the same company the last 5 years. But I’m certainly not proud of the way I’ve treated my friends and family over the years. Probably since I was 12. I’m extremely fortunate my friends have seen the deeper good in me over the years, and have had the patience to wait for it to emerge.

As recently as last summer I had plans to meet up with a couple of my buddies for a party. Two of these guys I’ve known since 1st grade and I was in both of their weddings. Having lived in Montana most of my life and now living in Texas, the plan was for our kids to finally meet and play for the first time. A lot of different things went into the reason why my family and I didn’t show up. Ultimately our absence was my responsibility. I also didn’t bother to call or respond to text messages to tell them I’d be a no-show. My friend’s wife, who I’ve known and loved since I was 13, basically set the whole thing up, planned everything, got everyone together, only for me to not bother making it. This has been weighing on me ever since. At this point I haven’t really spoken with any of those guys involved. As a 37 year old man, I can tell you the simple reason for that is because I am afraid. I can see their reactions or mindset being “yeah well we’re tired of you being a jackass all the time and waiting for you to grow up, we’re almost 40 years old…etc”

I can return to countless things. It’s tough. I go to therapy. It helps. Although sometimes I dive so deep that frankly it only helps in the long run and not right away.

I’m fighting the urge to not include the countless acts of destruction I’ve committed against my family and true friends.

The main point being I finally feel secure enough to own up to all of the things I’ve done in the past and accept the consequences. I’ve already done that with my wife, although it’s a constant work in progress. But I still don’t have the courage to reach out to my friends that I’ve wronged in the previous situation. I say that with the irony in the background of never being more secure as a man. I know my kids have a good father and my wife has a good husband.

Now it seems I’ll have to fight off and navigate through the mine fields of my past popping up in thought and previous existence.